I wonder sometimes when it will no longer feel necessary to mark the 2nd of September. I wonder when it will fade, just like his birthday, in to the fold of calendar days that mean little. Because sometimes I get confused about whether I really feel these things or if I just think I am supposed to. Has it been that long? It feels like forever, but the number 4 is a very very small number.
Paul Allan Crisman was not a good influence in my life. He was a bad father and removed from my life the opportunity of a positive father-daughter relationship. But I am significantly more than the experiences of daddy issues that seem to have defined my life for so long. There is nothing, nothing at all, about my father and his death that defines any larger portion of what I am than any other experience, particularly ones that brought me joy. There is nothing about his death that is more of me than meeting this love-of-my-life style person I am leaving the state with. Because love-of-my-life style experiences also do not solely define me.
I was in a show once, in college, that I still can’t say was wholly positive. But one thing we focused on was the idea of “I am more than…” We are more than the sum of our parts and no single part defines us. I refuse to let this define me. I refuse to continue to think that the tragedy in my life is who I am. Because I am so much more than that. I will forever be thankful to those women and that show because those words have gotten me to a place right now that even a year ago I never thought I could get to. It’s taken this long for it to sink in.
I am more than ________