Dear Mr. White,
I heard you are going through a divorce. While I applaud you for your nontraditional methods of coping, we all know this joy is coupled with pain. To help ease this pain, I present to you my dissection of your raditude. I can only imagine what it is like to even know you, but let me indulge myself by outlining why you are my personal hero and god-like object of worship. With this outline I hope to prove to you why your new found singledom should move you here to be next to me all of the time.
1. You handle yourself through tragedy with style and grace. This divorce party is inspiring me to rethink how I handle all relationships in my life. I aspire to be like you artistically, and now desire more to walk in your shadow personality wise as well.
2. Your art is never shallow, but never reaching further than its grasp. I am not a musician, I pretend to be in the shower but we all know the truth. But your views on art and creativity and the necessity of placing restrictions on yourself to accomplish more creative output is not just an artistic theory, it is a way of life. Never settle for the easy way, life is not about slides and swing sets! Except when it is!
3. There is nothing you have done that could be considered sub standard. It is remarkable that you have yet to lend your talents to anything unworthy of them. This is a triumph and something to be expected of all artists from here on out. Accept no substitutes!
4. You. Fucking. Rock. Not since Hendrix has someone approached the electric guitar without any assumptions of what it could and could not do.
5. Striking a balance between eccentric and creepy is difficult. Well done.
It is not to inflate your ego that I offer up this praise. My intention is merely to ensure that my deep love of you is based not solely on misguided attempts to implant myself in your lyrics. It runs deeper than that, Jack. We are kindred spirits, we are two crayons from the same package, we are meant to have lengthy conversations over coffee and bourbon.
Thank you, good luck, and call me.