i feel like today was divided in two. like i have actually had two days today. one that was really great, happy, cuddly, and fully satisfying. one that was lonely, numb, and empty. i don’t know when it happened. it was well after jason left. it was well before i finished watching the western production of the cider house rules (real good, by the way.) so somewhere in the last few hours i started feeling… numb. it’s this numbness again. it’s like i want so badly to feel so sad and miserable because i can feel that inside of me somewhere but it won’t come out. i can feel happy but it’s a little dulled. i can feel lonely. but i can’t feel what i know i need to feel. i can tell there are tears waiting behind my eyes but i can’t make them come out. i can tell there are so many words i want to say but i can’t make them come out. i feel repetitive. is this still denial? is this me looking for pity? is this me making a mountain out of a mole hill?
no. my dad just died. i think that entitles me to some small share of misery. but i wish i could feel it. i hate being so sad all the time but it’s so much better than this. i can’t have cried enough, can i?
no one knows. i don’t expect anyone to tell me anything or have any answers. i just want… a hug.